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He only Needs Three Things from the Relationship

January 18, 2008 · Written by Phil Gilliam

Hi and thank you all again for the comments; I am always open to hear your thoughts and welcome your suggestions for topics to cover.

I know you are thinking that the three things he needs from you is dinner made, allowed to watch TV, and SEX! But, you are wrong. He may want those things from you, but he does not need them.

The three things he needs from you are to be respected, admired/adored, and to have a sense of control in the relationship. Now before you get any ideas, I do not mean control over you. I’ll get into what I’m talking about later in this post.

I will start with respect. When the two of you first started dating it is likely that the sun and the moon rose and fell in his eyes for you. It is also likely that even as far out as his dreams and desires were, you would at least listen with eager anticipation for the outcome, but if you are lacking respect for him now it is typically about the lack of fulfillment or follow through on those dreams and aspirations, big and small. He longs for that sense of respect from you above all others. It will come out in what he says and how he carries himself.

Your respect, above all others, is a powerful measure for him. If he is unable to maintain respect from his mate; who can he hold and receive respect from? On the flip side of that coin; if he has your respect he will shine and be willing to take on the world.

Admiration/Adoration is the reward and gift you give him. How you show your appreciation for his contributions. I can always tell when a woman is lying to me about how happy she is in her relationship by simply asking her to tell me about him. I am not overly concerned with what she is telling me, but with her eyes. If they sparkle and her face lights up when she speaks of his accomplishments for himself, her, and the family, big or small, then I know that they have fire in their relationship. If she has no spark, even though she may be saying that he is a good man and provides for the family, she does not have a passionate relationship with him.

Sense of control. As I said when I first introduced this to you, control has nothing to do with being controlling. Remember, I have talked about the masculine and the feminine (I must comment that those two have nothing to do with gender) and the primitive brain that we all have. Being in control and having a sense of self motivated direction is a powerful driver for men. It is the driver that compels men to want to strive to the next level whatever that level is for him. It is the alpha male mentality that drives him to have a sense of control in his life, then he can lead and protect.

I spend a great deal of time educating our clients on the difference between being in control of himself and his responsibilities, and wanting to control others. For the sake of this post, please understand that I am by no means promoting controlling behavior; no person has the right to control another’s actions of behavior…PERIOD.

I also coach the men I work with on the other side of this coin, the fact that you must feel valued, cherished/adored, and most importantly safe emotionally and physically now and always.

The hard part on both sides of this equation is the fact that no two people translate these three things the same. What is respect to one man is not to another. What is feeling valued to one woman is not to another and so on.

The best part of this knowledge is that if both sides of the partnership are working to provide the other with the three items they need, then you will be building an upwards spiral of support, passion and happiness.

I will post more information on this subject, because there is a ton to it. For now, take some time to write down all of the reasons you respect and admire your man, and what he does in the household or your world that is his and within his sphere of control. Please use this list as a positive, not as a tool to figure out what he should be doing.

In the next posts I will help you to understand the depth of these three items.

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Comments

3 Responses to “He only Needs Three Things from the Relationship”

  1. Brandie Nemchenko on January 21st, 2008 9:36 am

    Wow, Phil, you have done it again - hit the nail on the head. It is amazing the simple things that each partner needs and they don’t cost a dime!

    I am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for your next post!

  2. Brandi Washington on January 25th, 2008 7:19 pm

    Hi Phil! Thank you so much for explaining how a relationship should be from a male’s perspective. I never knew that respect is the number one thing a man needs from a woman. So, are you saying that if a woman respects her man, admire him, and give him a sense of control he will still have that “fire” in his eyes 9 months later? Wow! This is information that GWN needs to know to keep our relationships passionate. I’m going to definitely take your advice to ensure that I have a strong, healthy relationship. I’m looking forward to your next blog!!

  3. Fatty on May 21st, 2008 10:35 am

    Nice post. Before I opened this web page, I thought sex would be one of the answers. You mentioned it ;p. Yep, men need more respect, as well as women. Sometimes respect becomes the most important aspect in relationship.

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