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Men Are Not Women

January 15, 2008 · Written by Phil Gilliam

Thanks to all of you that commented on the last post. I am glad you enjoyed it.

Please allow me to elaborate on the title. When working with the men that I do and continuing the history lessons with them, one of the primary points I am compelled to cover with men is the fact that women are not smaller versions of men with different genitalia and mammary glands. That being said ladies; it is extremely important for you to grasp the same concept. Men are not bigger, hairier, and less talkative versions of women.

If you are giggling that is good, but the point must be clearly made that men are different from you in more ways than simple gender. Our brains are not wired in the same manner and the chemicals that stimulate our development are completely different. Our primitive brains are nothing like your primitive brains, our social conditioning is complete different. Even our physical makeup is designed to perfect different tasks.

So if every one knows we are wired differently, our physical makeup is basically different, our social conditioning is completely different, then I ask, why do we try to bond with each other as if we are the same? I ask men this question and normally get the same response, “I don’t know, I guess I never thought of it that way.”

You see we all make this mistake because it is the only way we understand how to relate. Men form close bonds with their male friends, they are rewarded and reinforced for their behavior by their friends and even their mentors both male and female. So why wouldn’t we go about our relationship with you the same way.

In our head, because we relate so well with other men and are rewarded and encouraged to perfect our logical solutions and stoic outer appearance, couple that with our ancient wiring designed to help us survive, why shouldn’t that work with the women in our lives? The same is true from your point of view, all your life you have been encouraged and rewarded for your expression, ability to empathize, and desire to nurture the relationships that surround you, coupled with your ancient wiring designed to help you survive, why shouldn’t what you are doing work with the men in your lives?

It is my opinion that the reason so many couples struggle to communicate is that they focus on these imperfect match ups. The couple demands that one or the other learns to change who and more importantly what they are so they can keep the peace. That is the mistake. Yes, it is only right that the two learn to adapt to one another, but the same things that separate us as male and female of the species, are the same things that attract us to one another and stimulated us in the first place. I say embrace the differences and use them to create passion and the desire to bond with one another.

If you want to relate to a man, then stop trying to relate to him as if he were a woman. We do not think about things the same way. For example, when you are having a conversation with a man and you are talking about a particular subject, your brain is wired to relate that subject to several areas of your life and the people that subject might affect and maybe even a flash or two of your “to do” list. Do you know what a man is thinking about outside of the subject you are discussing? NOTHING (well maybe a flash or two about food or sex) but, otherwise NOTHING! We are not wired to relate the subject to other areas of our lives. We are wired to focus. It is a survival mechanism. We needed the ability to stay on task so that we could hunt when we were hunting, protect when we were protecting, and propagate when we were propagating. Just as it was hard-wired for you to relate to everything around you, because you had to know how events would affect different aspects of your life, otherwise you would not be able to predict what you would need or what to avoid; both sides of the coin completely necessary for the survival of the species.

It is each of your responsibility to learn to relate to each other in a manner that the other will understand that you are relating to them. In future posts I will share with you some tools to help you with that exact thing as well as to create that passion and desire I spoke about earlier. The tools can be used to attract a mate as well as to get the fires stoked for long time married couples. For now just keep it in your mind that he is not trying to not relate to you, or not trying to bond with you, it is most likely that he is trying to bond with you in the same manner that he bonds or has bonded with his male friends which is likely the only way he knows how or has been reinforced to do; just as you, I am sure, are guilty of trying to bond, communicate, or reason with him as if he were one of your female friends.

More to come,

Phil

P.S. Thanks again for all of your comments and I am looking forward to your requests of topics you would like me to cover, so feel free to ask questions or suggest topics.

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Comments

5 Responses to “Men Are Not Women”

  1. Alicia Knox on January 15th, 2008 7:22 am

    Hello Phil,
    You make a great point. Men and women are different. I have been married for 9 1/2 years and my husband still does not see things the way I see it. I usually have to explain my thinking more than once. For instance, we had a discussion about people and how you should handle someone is just going off on you. I usually listen to what the person has to say, process it, then comment so that I am addressing the issue and I’m not necessarily reacting on pure emotion. My husband on the other hand will jump right in your face and argue and half the time not even knows why he is arguing… He says that is the way to get more respect from people so they will not get in your face again. I do not believe that at all, if someone wants to get in your face they will. Usually when people realize how stupid and irrational they sound, they calm down and come back to earth and the issue is resolved. (I’m not saying that I do not get upset and argue, but I focus on the issue and getting a resolution). My husband is trying to change certain things about him, because he now realizes how important some things are in a relationship, such as becoming a communicator. He just started to become a communicator and he says it is really hard for him. But he realizes that this affects his quality of life. It took him a long time to realize it, but he’s doing OK. Thanks for the Blog, can’t wait till you post the next one.

    Alicia Knox

  2. Kathie Goldsmith on January 15th, 2008 9:38 am

    Hey Phil,

    Great post. What you’re saying is so true. I often get frustrated with my bigger, hairier, less talkative mate for exactly these reasons.

    I have a great husband. He’s kind and funny. He shows his love for me and the kids. He builds a fire every night when it’s even the slightest bit cold. But so often I feel like I have to connect the dots for him and it drives me crazy.

    And, or course, my girlfriends and I share the same frustrations.

    Your post certainly sheds some light on the situation. I’ll have to recommend this one to my gal pals.

    Thanks!
    Kat

  3. Amber Duncan on January 15th, 2008 2:38 pm

    Well, I dont mean to brag.. but I truly believe my husband broke the mold when it comes to the stereotype that you are referring to. I agree, we do handle things in a different way, but he is so good in areas that typical men arent . I really feel blessed! I do think that most relationships deal with these issues of difference but i am fortunate to say we see things and relate to things the same way.

  4. Brandie Nemchenko on January 15th, 2008 8:35 pm

    Phil,

    I see a lot of what you are saying about in your post! Unfortunately, I am the more dominant, outgoing, and driven of the two of us.

    My husband enjoys shopping, shoes, and playing chess. He is definitely more reserved. He hates getting dirty and irons all his clothes before wearing them.

    I am more of a jeans and tee-shirt gal who would take you on in a game of touch football.

    We are completely different, yet are both very kind people who like helping people.

    There are many attributes that are different between the sexes which definitely shouldn’t be reserved for each gender, but at its most primal level, I do believe you are right. We are wired differently and that is what makes life grand!

    Brandie

  5. Jen Barber on July 29th, 2008 4:50 pm

    There are of course women who are the tomboy type and men who like to shop for shoes, but for the majority it is important to realise that men and women are wired differently and it’s advantageous for ones relationship to acknowledge these differences.

    If you can’t celebrate these differences, then at least learn to laugh at them. ;)

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