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Looking for Love In All the Wrong Places?

 Ladies!  Are you looking for “Mr. Right” in all the wrong places?  Are you spending your weekends hanging out in the typical bar scene?  Hmmm… let’s see is that really the place to meet “Mr. Right”? 

I have a better idea for you!  Make a list of your hobbies and passions.  What do you do in your free time?  Love Tennis?  You might meet your perfect “match” at the local tennis club.  Love wine?  Go to wine tastings and join gourmet foodie groups.  You get the hint!

Think of all the fun you’ll have meeting lots of other people and making new interesting friends while enjoying your hobbies and passions, that will take your mind off “looking for Mr. Right” and then he’ll probably show up (funny how that works)!

Send A Love Note

Want to make the guy in your life swoon?  Send him a love note.  Put simple little notes in unexpected places: in his briefcase, on his pillow, on the visor in his car.  These simple little notes are a special gesture that show him how much you care, they’re fun and spontaneous and you’ll be on his mind all the time.

What SHE Needs

 What’s a girl really want from that special guy in her life?  We heard Phil tell us what a guy needs, and yes in spite of our beliefs to the contrary his list didn’t include food, sex and absolute and total control over the remote!

So here’s what a girl needs … a guy who will listen, not a guy that will just nod his head, say “um hm” or grunt every two minutes, and then swear up down five minutes later that ”you never told me that”.  We really want guys to listen, to understand us and take what we have to say seriously, not just tune us out and pretend they’re listening to us.

Girls want romance!  We would love to be swept off our feet now and then!  Hey guys surprise us, do something romantic!  It doesn’t have to be fancy, leave a love note on our pillow, snuggle on the couch with us, bring home a bag of our favorite cookies.  Something simple, spontaneous and most of all something that shows that you took the time to think about us in the middle of your busy day.

Ask us about our dreams for our lives.  Again listen to what we have to say, believe in us, encourage us, support us.  Be the “cheerleaders” in our lives, tell us how proud you are of us when we accomplish a goal or have a “win” in our lives.  Be 100% supportive even if things don’t go as planned.  Have “our back”, we need you there with us as we strive to be ”all” that we can be.

So what’s a girl need?  Love, Respect and Understanding.

He only Needs Three Things from the Relationship

Hi and thank you all again for the comments; I am always open to hear your thoughts and welcome your suggestions for topics to cover.

I know you are thinking that the three things he needs from you is dinner made, allowed to watch TV, and SEX! But, you are wrong. He may want those things from you, but he does not need them.

The three things he needs from you are to be respected, admired/adored, and to have a sense of control in the relationship. Now before you get any ideas, I do not mean control over you. I’ll get into what I’m talking about later in this post.

I will start with respect. When the two of you first started dating it is likely that the sun and the moon rose and fell in his eyes for you. It is also likely that even as far out as his dreams and desires were, you would at least listen with eager anticipation for the outcome, but if you are lacking respect for him now it is typically about the lack of fulfillment or follow through on those dreams and aspirations, big and small. He longs for that sense of respect from you above all others. It will come out in what he says and how he carries himself.

Your respect, above all others, is a powerful measure for him. If he is unable to maintain respect from his mate; who can he hold and receive respect from? On the flip side of that coin; if he has your respect he will shine and be willing to take on the world.

Admiration/Adoration is the reward and gift you give him. How you show your appreciation for his contributions. I can always tell when a woman is lying to me about how happy she is in her relationship by simply asking her to tell me about him. I am not overly concerned with what she is telling me, but with her eyes. If they sparkle and her face lights up when she speaks of his accomplishments for himself, her, and the family, big or small, then I know that they have fire in their relationship. If she has no spark, even though she may be saying that he is a good man and provides for the family, she does not have a passionate relationship with him.

Sense of control. As I said when I first introduced this to you, control has nothing to do with being controlling. Remember, I have talked about the masculine and the feminine (I must comment that those two have nothing to do with gender) and the primitive brain that we all have. Being in control and having a sense of self motivated direction is a powerful driver for men. It is the driver that compels men to want to strive to the next level whatever that level is for him. It is the alpha male mentality that drives him to have a sense of control in his life, then he can lead and protect.

I spend a great deal of time educating our clients on the difference between being in control of himself and his responsibilities, and wanting to control others. For the sake of this post, please understand that I am by no means promoting controlling behavior; no person has the right to control another’s actions of behavior…PERIOD.

I also coach the men I work with on the other side of this coin, the fact that you must feel valued, cherished/adored, and most importantly safe emotionally and physically now and always.

The hard part on both sides of this equation is the fact that no two people translate these three things the same. What is respect to one man is not to another. What is feeling valued to one woman is not to another and so on.

The best part of this knowledge is that if both sides of the partnership are working to provide the other with the three items they need, then you will be building an upwards spiral of support, passion and happiness.

I will post more information on this subject, because there is a ton to it. For now, take some time to write down all of the reasons you respect and admire your man, and what he does in the household or your world that is his and within his sphere of control. Please use this list as a positive, not as a tool to figure out what he should be doing.

In the next posts I will help you to understand the depth of these three items.

Men Are Not Women

Thanks to all of you that commented on the last post. I am glad you enjoyed it.

Please allow me to elaborate on the title. When working with the men that I do and continuing the history lessons with them, one of the primary points I am compelled to cover with men is the fact that women are not smaller versions of men with different genitalia and mammary glands. That being said ladies; it is extremely important for you to grasp the same concept. Men are not bigger, hairier, and less talkative versions of women.

If you are giggling that is good, but the point must be clearly made that men are different from you in more ways than simple gender. Our brains are not wired in the same manner and the chemicals that stimulate our development are completely different. Our primitive brains are nothing like your primitive brains, our social conditioning is complete different. Even our physical makeup is designed to perfect different tasks.

So if every one knows we are wired differently, our physical makeup is basically different, our social conditioning is completely different, then I ask, why do we try to bond with each other as if we are the same? I ask men this question and normally get the same response, “I don’t know, I guess I never thought of it that way.”

You see we all make this mistake because it is the only way we understand how to relate. Men form close bonds with their male friends, they are rewarded and reinforced for their behavior by their friends and even their mentors both male and female. So why wouldn’t we go about our relationship with you the same way.

In our head, because we relate so well with other men and are rewarded and encouraged to perfect our logical solutions and stoic outer appearance, couple that with our ancient wiring designed to help us survive, why shouldn’t that work with the women in our lives? The same is true from your point of view, all your life you have been encouraged and rewarded for your expression, ability to empathize, and desire to nurture the relationships that surround you, coupled with your ancient wiring designed to help you survive, why shouldn’t what you are doing work with the men in your lives?

It is my opinion that the reason so many couples struggle to communicate is that they focus on these imperfect match ups. The couple demands that one or the other learns to change who and more importantly what they are so they can keep the peace. That is the mistake. Yes, it is only right that the two learn to adapt to one another, but the same things that separate us as male and female of the species, are the same things that attract us to one another and stimulated us in the first place. I say embrace the differences and use them to create passion and the desire to bond with one another.

If you want to relate to a man, then stop trying to relate to him as if he were a woman. We do not think about things the same way. For example, when you are having a conversation with a man and you are talking about a particular subject, your brain is wired to relate that subject to several areas of your life and the people that subject might affect and maybe even a flash or two of your “to do” list. Do you know what a man is thinking about outside of the subject you are discussing? NOTHING (well maybe a flash or two about food or sex) but, otherwise NOTHING! We are not wired to relate the subject to other areas of our lives. We are wired to focus. It is a survival mechanism. We needed the ability to stay on task so that we could hunt when we were hunting, protect when we were protecting, and propagate when we were propagating. Just as it was hard-wired for you to relate to everything around you, because you had to know how events would affect different aspects of your life, otherwise you would not be able to predict what you would need or what to avoid; both sides of the coin completely necessary for the survival of the species.

It is each of your responsibility to learn to relate to each other in a manner that the other will understand that you are relating to them. In future posts I will share with you some tools to help you with that exact thing as well as to create that passion and desire I spoke about earlier. The tools can be used to attract a mate as well as to get the fires stoked for long time married couples. For now just keep it in your mind that he is not trying to not relate to you, or not trying to bond with you, it is most likely that he is trying to bond with you in the same manner that he bonds or has bonded with his male friends which is likely the only way he knows how or has been reinforced to do; just as you, I am sure, are guilty of trying to bond, communicate, or reason with him as if he were one of your female friends.

More to come,

Phil

P.S. Thanks again for all of your comments and I am looking forward to your requests of topics you would like me to cover, so feel free to ask questions or suggest topics.

Forgive us poor men, for we know no better

Hello

My name is Phil Gilliam and I am a coach and author and specialize in working with men and their relationships with women. Heather asked me to help with your education in the mysteries of men and relationships. I couldn’t be more honored.

I thought I would start the same way I start with my clients; a history lesson. I will keep it short and entertaining. Over the past fifty years or so an amazing sociological change has been in motion and rightly so, women have been taking their right to be treating and viewed as equals in the work place and even in the home. Do I agree and support this mission? ABSOLUTELY!

I however, do have an opinion. It is my opinion that in the same time frames men mistakenly translated the request of women to be allowed to play on a level playing field to men accommodating and elevating women. Therein, is one of the biggest issues in relationships today.

You see men, just as you, learn from role models and mentors. The problem is that our role models meaning our fathers, male influences, our mothers, TV, and pop culture is either working from outdated material or fiction. Now without going into great detail, I would say it is pretty obvious with the divorce rate so high and the amount of anti-depressants we as a culture consume, that our role models on both sides of the genders, as a whole missed the mark a bit.

Now, women have been marching right along; you are doing your best to succeed in the work place and in the home, but if men are working off of a 1950’s model of relationships and doing better in his eyes than the bumbling idiots on sitcoms and reality TV, then he may believe that he is doing his job well. He works, he provides, and he comes home just like his dad or grandpa or maybe even better. If he didn’t have the male in the family around he is following the instructions of his mom who said to be home and support your family. He thinks he is doing well.

Think of the time and energy men put into their education or trade, and the training available for him to be a successful supporting member of our society. The resources and social pressures to be a success are off the charts, but I often ask, after men have spent the better part of 16 years learning to be a success, how many times in that period were we coached or directed to learn about how to deal with the relationships we desire in the time between the hour we get home and sleep? None. We are even social programmed as men to not talk about relationships.

You see someone forgot to send out the memo to us poor men, that in today’s world that model is only playing a quarter of the game. Women are working and supporting the family too and unfortunately still being asked to carry all of the responsibilities of what was called “woman’s work.”

Women as a whole are taking on so many more of the masculine traits, whether by choice or necessity, and quite frankly most guys don’t know what to do with that. At work women are making the decisions and having to maintain control, at home they are making decisions and managing the household and the list goes on, but the point is that men really don’t understand how to deal with it or that those issues are impacting the relationship, and in my opinion, women don’t want to always have control of every situation. Women want to have the ability to be lead when the need arises, and supported when that is desired. Women want to have a man who is willing to take the role he promised to support and grow in that role as the relationship progresses. Again, most men are oblivious to what that means and even if they did they would be unsure of how to fulfill it.

Evolutionary psychologists regularly remind us that the short period of time we have been living in a “civilized” society is only a fraction of the time compared to the millions of years humans have been in existence all religions and religious arguments aside. That being said, there is some basic hard-wiring in both men and women’s brains that demand that we have a balance for the security and survival of the family and ourselves. With that kind of hard-wiring and the social changes that are moving at the speed of broadband; men are unfortunately oblivious to the issues at hand. Yes, that may be by choice, but oblivious just the same.

Most men really do not realize that in surrendering their masculinity whether by choice or ignorance they are creating the very issues in the relationship that they don’t want to have happening. Contrary to popular belief men are not trying to cause fights or create reasons for you to be upset or as I call it “constructively criticize” him.

There is more to this history lesson and I promise I will expand on these issues in future postings, but will close with this. On behalf of my brothers, I ask for forgiveness, not that it is not our responsibility to learn and grow to have our relationships be a success, it is that most of us are oblivious to the fact that there is a problem. In this case ignorance is not bliss!

The Secret to Finding Mr. Right

At GWN Lifestyle we believe in living the life of a successful woman entrepreneur. We also know that while earning your own income and being self-sufficient, you need someone to share the good life with.We know the secret to finding your soul mate and her name is Karen Kripalani.

Karen has cracked the code. She knows how to find your soul mate and get married–all within a year! For all of the women out there laughing right now, to prove this position, Karen has actually done it herself and knowing that she has most definitely unlocked some secret chamber no other woman knew existed, she has decided to share her secret with women everywhere.

Karen is writing her first book, Manifest, The Secrets of How to Attract Your SoulMate and Get Married Within a Year! In this tell all tale, she will explain to women about her intention to find Mr. Right and actually finding him. She met her wonderful husband, Michael, married him shortly thereafter, and the two of them have been living on Cloud Nine ever since. She will explain how she did it and how you can, too.

Karen Kripalani is a very successful businesswoman who has worked extensively in the film industry as an actress and director. (Karen Grosso) She is also a professional photographer and television spokeswoman for Canon. Karen has a successful coaching practice, one of her areas of expertise is relationship coaching. She helps women find “Mr. Right” and her clients are having incredible success.

So if you’re tired of searching for the man of your dreams in all the wrong places, contact Karen Kripalani and you’ll be sure to be with the love of your life in no time.

You can visit Karen’s website at Beauty Everywhere.